Fwd: Weekly Witticisms

[Andrew Webber]

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DATE: Sunday, May 02, 1999

"People who say they sleep like a baby obviously don't
have one."

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE
She  is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK
She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not want to be MARRIED
She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She is not TOO SKINNY
She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE
She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS
She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She does not GO SHOPPING
She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She is not a SLUT
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
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Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
     A:   "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

 Q:   What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
  A:   (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

 Q:   What's the mating call of the brunette?
     A1:  "All the blondes have gone home!"
     A2:  Has that blonde gone yet?
     A3:  When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

 Q:   What's the mating call of the redhead?
     A:   "Next!"

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Ode to government workers:

A State Government Employee sits in his office and
out of boredom,  decides to see what's in his old
filing cabinet.  He pokes through the  contents and
comes across an old brass lamp.  "This will look
nice on my mantelpiece," he decides,
and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants
him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi
right now!"  He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now
that he can think more clearly, he states his second
wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside."  Suddenly he is on an island
with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.  He tells
the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never
have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.
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Ode to the job hunters:

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."

Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."

Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud,
I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk,  If you have too
many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any
openings for a person with your qualifications."

Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "To work
for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling,
double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney,
have a seat, we may have an opening."

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Professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she
liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.

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Little bit of religion:

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her
and approached them.
"What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law
says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast
the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and
knocked  the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make
a point  here!
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Animal Farm?

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when
 they come across a golden frog. They think this is an
amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when
it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a
magical frog, and doesn't often meet other residents
of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three
wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in
the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this
 wish. The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks
for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places
on his head. The bear is amazed at this, but carries
on with his next wish. He asks  that all the bears
in the neighboring forests be female as well. This
wish is also fulfilled.

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle.
It appears before him, and he climbs on board and
starts revving the engine. The bear cannot believe it.
He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes.
Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish,
"I  wish that all the other bears in the world be
female as well."

The frog replies that it has been done and they both
turn to the rabbit for his last wish. The rabbit
thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and
says, "I  wish for the bear to be gay!" and
 promptly drives off as fast as he can!

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Promises!

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering
to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit,
mutter, then spit,he would say, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's
going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that
sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new
sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to
go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"

"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains.
After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain
and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and
nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road
is all twisty and curvy.

"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay
on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the
dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on
our right,a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18
wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome
right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I
just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to
him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this,
I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH
CAN DRIVE!!"


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andrew
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my local weather today: cnn.com/WEATHER/html/LongBeachCA.html